SORRY FOR PARTYING

Rock Island police arrested a man found naked and covered in cooking spray early Monday in the downtown area.  Rock Island Deputy Chief of Police Jeff VenHuizen said the man, Chad William Forber, 41, of Blue Grass, told officers he had taken off his shorts because they were too big and would not stay on.  He had lathered himself up in Crisco. He was covered in grease, and was holding the can under his arm.  “He said he was looking for a place to party,” VenHuizen added.

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An 18-year-old was dismissed from the U.S. Ski Team’s development squad after he was accused of getting drunk and then urinating on a fellow passenger aboard a JetBlue flight. A Port Authority Police Department detective wrote in court documents that Vietze told him he had consumed five or six beers and two rum and cola cocktails before boarding the flight. He said he passed out in his seat and awoke to find himself being yelled at by the father of a 12-year-old girl. The girl’s father told the detective that when he returned from a trip to the bathroom at 2:30 a.m., he found Vietze urinating on his daughter. The man described Vietze as “out of it.” “Based on the information we have, Sandy Vietze is in violation of the USSA code of conduct and team agreement, and has been dismissed from the team,” U.S. Ski and Snowboard Association Executive Vice President of Athletics Luke Bodensteiner said in an email sent to The Associated Press on Friday.

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An Indiana couple is facing public indecency charges after they allegedly had sex for 30 minutes Sunday afternoon in a community pool while dozens of witnesses, including children, watched the illicit aquatic action. Pool manager Cindy Schwab told cops that she walked up behind Helms and Cross “when she realized what they were doing,” according to a Connersville Police Department report. After telling the pair to stop, Schwab said that Cross moved away from Helms, which was when “she could see the male’s penis.” While it is unclear what drove the couple to allegedly engage in public fornication, the heat wave gripping the country’s mid-section has forced many sweltering Americans to seek a cool, watery respite. In light of the Helms-Cross coupling, municipal workers added additional chemicals to the pool and recycled its water.

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According to Life.ru, the events unfolded on the evening of March 14 as the stylist was wrapping up her shift at the salon in the Kaluga region town of Meshchovsk. The robber, a 32-year-old man identified by Life.ru as “Viktor,” burst into the salon at around 5 p.m. waving a pistol and ordered all of the stylists and clients to hit the floor and toss him their money. At this point, 28-year-old Olga, whom Life.ru describes as a “delicate” girl trained in martial arts, was apparently still standing when she offered to hand over her cash. But when Viktor tried to accept her contribution, Olga surprised him with a quick punch to the chest, knocking the wind out of him before she flipped him to the ground. Olga proceeded to tie Viktor up with a hair-dryer cord, gagged him and dragged him into a storage room. The police did not come. And after the other stylists and clients went home for the evening, Olga told Viktor to “take off his underwear” and let her do as she pleases, lest she call the cops. She tied him to the radiator with handcuffs covered in frilly pink fabric, gave him some Viagra and had her way with him several times over the next 48 hours. When she finally let him go on the evening of March 16, Viktor had been “squeezed like a lemon.” First, he went to the hospital to have his injured genitals treated; then he went to police and filed a complaint asking that Olga be brought up on criminal charges for committing “actions of a sexual nature” that left him with injured sexual organs. Olga was apparently incensed when she learned of the complaint. She had, after all, even tried to be nice to her purported captive. “What a jerk,” Life.ru quoted her as saying. “Yeah, there were a few times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food and drink, and gave him 1,000 rubles when he left.” “I don’t know what’s going to happen now,” the web site quoted a local police officer as saying. “We could put both of them behind bars: him for robbery, her for rape and assault.”

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A woman was arrested Tuesday morning after Boulder police say she blew heroin smoke in a cat’s face, causing the cat to die several hours later. Danielle Blankenship, 21, was arrested at around 11:30 a.m. Tuesday when police responded to the 1100 block of 30th Street after Blankenship’s boyfriend alleged she hit him in the face, according to Kim Kobel, a spokeswoman with the Boulder Police Department. When police arrived, they noticed that a cat, which belonged to a roommate of Blankenship’s boyfriend, was lying unresponsive at the base of the stairs. When asked what had happened to the cat, according to police, the boyfriend said Blankenship had been smoking heroin and blew the smoke in the cat’s face. The cat, Muffin, was taken to the Humane Society of Boulder Valley, where veterinarians began treating it for poisoning. The cat was later transported to Boulder Emergency Pet Clinic, where it died at around 6:30 p.m.

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You’ve heard of drunk dialing and drunk Facebooking, but drunk puppy buying? Inebritated passers-by are falling in love with playful pooches frolicking in the window of a West Village pet store, and the problem has become so bad the owner has banned them from taking the pets home. “I feel like they always come in drunk,” said Fernanda Moritz, the manager of Le Petite Puppy at 18 Christopher St. which has implemented a policy against letting customers buy — or even hold — animals if they’ve been drinking. The shop is surrounded by bars, and Moritz said many of her would-be customers stop in after happy hour around 6 p.m. Moritz recalled selling a Chihuahua some years ago to a woman she thought might have been drunk, only to have the dog returned the next day — in a near-dead state. “We took it to the vet and he found five pills in the dog’s stomach,” she said. “It almost overdosed.” The Chihuahua’s stomach was pumped, and it survived. The adorable sight of furry faces in the window and the effects of alcohol can be a bad combination, Moritz said. Four-years ago on St. Patrick’s Day, a couple came into the store and spent $3,500 on an English Bull Dog and a Miniature Pinscher. The morning after, the couple returned to the store, apologized to Jacoby, and gave the dogs back. Even though turning down drunken customers might seem bad for business, Moritz and Jacoby both say they’d prefer to lose the sale.

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A drunken, naked Wausau man was arrested late Monday after he entered a neighbor’s garage and defecated on the floor, according to the Wausau Police Department. O’Neil later was apologetic to officers, and said he thought he was at his home, police said. O’Neil had a blood alcohol level 0.37 percent, or more than four times the legal limit for driving, Pankow said. Officers made O’Neil sit on a plastic sheet inside a squad car, Pankow said. “This is one of those days when you can’t get paid enough,” Pankow said of the three officers who responded to the scene.

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Police in Boulder, Colorado were searching on Tuesday for a man who hid inside the tank of a portable toilet at a yoga festival, startling a woman who was using the facility. The woman, who was not identified by authorities, said when she lifted the toilet seat lid, she noticed something moving in the tank, according to a Boulder Police news release. The woman exited the toilet and asked a man who was standing nearby to check inside. The man told police he saw someone inside the tank covered with a tarp. An event security supervisor who was summoned to the scene waited for several minutes outside the toilet until a barefoot, shirtless man emerged. “The supervisor tried to detain the suspect, but he ran away, covered in feces,” the release said.

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Doctors said in a letter published on Sunday in the Medical Journal of Australia that they were stunned to discover the man had downed six 375-millilitre (12.7-ounce) bottles of hand sanitiser, giving him a blood-alcohol concentration of 0.271 per cent. That’s more than five times higher than the 0.05 per cent legal limit for driving in Australia. The 45-year-old had been undergoing treatment for alcohol-related gastritis when he drank the sanitiser. The gel has an ethanol content of 66 per cent and is routinely used by medical staff to prevent infection. The man had been admitted to hospital three days earlier and suddenly became drowsy for no apparent reason. After nurses cleaning his bed discovered the near-empty sanitiser bottles, the man admitted to drinking the sanitiser and agreed to undergo a breath test.

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The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), a division of the federal government’s National Institutes of Health (NIH), has spent $3,634,807 over the past decade funding research that involves getting monkeys to smoke and drink drugs such as PCP, methamphetamine (METH), heroin, and cocaine and then studying their behavior, including during different phases of the female monkeys’ menstrual cycles.

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He claims his beard was cut off and stuffed in his mouth and that he was ordered to eat it last May. And that’s only the beginning of what one Lawrenceburg man says he and his brother endured, all because of a fight over a lawn mower. “They cut my beard and forced me to eat it,” he said.

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Instead of competing on horses, as is typically the case, contestants were asked to trot around the arena with stick horses as their show ponies. The most common way for the virus to spread is by direct horse-to-horse contact, but it can also spread through the air, contaminated equipment, clothing and hands. “With a stick horse it’s a lot different because you have to do all the work, and I think it’s going to be a lot more tiring than with a real horse,” said contestant Kylie Felter. “It will give you experience for if you happen to have a problem like this later in life,” Steed said with a smile. “You already have the experience of riding a stick horse!”

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“Police say a woman involved in an argument at a Louisville Pizza Hut raised the stakes considerably when she tried to pull a sword.”

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